An't got no liquidity, guess that prevents pinguidity. . .

(952): going out? Paunchy penguins?

This is a text I just received from my friend Mike. It's a Thursday night, but. . .maybe you should be sitting down for this: I'm actually at home. And I plan on staying right here until my first class tomorrow. No money, so no Paunchy Penguins, nor Chubby Chipmunks, nor Beefy Belugas for me tonight.

It all started (as too many things do) with a drink special.


As all good Madisonians know, The Vintage, a decent downtown joint with a massive patio (and surprisingly good pancakes and a Bloody Mary bar, if you're in the mood for that kind of thing on a Sunday afternoon), has a special on Monday nights where any Wisconsin beer is $1 until midnight, which includes many local favorites, including Fat Squirrel, a nutty brown ale from New Glarus.

Now, New Glarus beers also have wacky names, like Dancing Man, or Totally Naked, or the ubiquitous Spotted Cow. They do this because they are a Local Brewery, which is apparently synonymous with Very Quirky. But one day, while I was facing the beer and wine section at Trader Joe's, which is a store that tries very hard to be Very Quirky because they want to seem like a Local Grocery Store (Freal. The emphasis on Tiki-Themed Maniacally Friendly Employee Culture is specifically geared toward making you think that it's like the Willy Street Co-op. Which it isn't), when I came across something called Fat Weasel.


So I'm all like, Seriously? How many Adipose Animal-themed beers are out there?

***

And so it began. Portly Possum. Obese Ostritch. Glandular Guinea Pig. Stout Stoat. Flabby Fox. Et cetera et cetera ad infinitem, literally. Except that tonight I was tired and checked a thesaurus for more fat words. Unfortunately, there was only one that hadn't yet been used: the word pinguid.

pinguid |ˌpɪŋgw1d|
adjective formal
of the nature of or resembling fat; oily or greasy.

DERIVATIVES
pinguidity noun

ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: from Latin pinguis ‘fat’ + -id

Which, until you read the definition, is kind of the most adorable fat-word I've ever heard. If I ever make a beer (and given the current trendiness of homebrew coupled with the desire to redeem myself after that wretched absinthe I made last year, it could happen), I'm calling it Pinguid. And on the label would be something like this:

Which then makes me think of those awful quizzes they put in pamphlets in the student clinic, or sometimes around the gym that ask How many cheeseburgers did you drink last night? (answer: you don't want to know).

***

And this confuses me. Does alcohol really make you fat? Do I simply exist in this magical 22-year-old world where I actually am invincible and I can drink as many cheeseburgers as I want and still stay the fairly slender woman I am? Because I always thought the mythical "beer belly" came from those three Pizza di Roma slices you thought you needed between the Plaza and bed. Or the high-calorie mixers people put in their cocktails, illustrated quite graphically in this sick New York public health campaign. Or the fact that post-bender breakfasts tend to resemble something like this (thank you, thisiswhyyourefat.com).

Oh, and just so you know, I can has fifty-four (54!!!) cheezburgers in one month. Holy shit.